Monday, December 14, 2009

Conversation of a Person Within Ones Mind on a Vicissitudinous day in Mid-August


Dolores (She) consists of 3 components:

Ego (das Ich), female;

Super Ego (das Über Ich), 50% male/50%female;

Id (das Es), mostly female



Ego tries to balance the Id and Super Ego;

Super Ego is the ultimate decision maker the moral component; tries to blame the Id for everything and often makes it believe it is nothing;

Id is impulsive, child-like, seeks for ultimate gratification at any given time, not considering any consequences at all.


TUESDAY


Dolores is on the phone with her boyfriend who happens to be 3738 miles away, which equals 6015 kilometers, and puts them literal 6 hours apart. They have been on the phone for precisely 1:12 hrs. No one has said much, she just happens to be so tired from a 12 hour day of work.


Id: (I need a hug. I want you to lie next to me.)

Super Ego: (What the fuck. I don’t wanna talk right now. I’m tired. What am I supposed to tell you what you don’t already know. I can’t handle this situation anymore.)

Ego: (I wish I would have the right words to say, but I don’t. Why are you so far way. I miss you. I’m so fucking stupid. Why am I so frustrated?)

She: (says nothing, absolutely nothing)


Super Ego: (Man, I’m fucking tired and I just want to go to sleep.)

Id: (I think it is better if I get some rest now.)

Ego: (I want a cigarette right now.)

She: I think I am going to sleep now.


He: Ok, good night.


She: Night.


He: Love you.


She: Love you too. Bye.


He: Bye bye.


Super Ego: (What a stupid, nonsense, non-gratifying, non-conversation again. You are always failing at expressing your real feelings.)

Id: (I’m a failure.)


She turns off her bed light at exactly 2:56 to be woken up by her alarm at 9 am. Exact 30 minutes early so she can hit the snooze button three times. Even then, she is an hour early. But she needs some extra time in the morning for her coffee and breakfast that usually consists of two pieces of toasted bread, and of course some coffee (usually one or two cups). The coffee is also good to make her use the bathroom before she leaves the house.


WEDNESDAY


10:20 am

Dolores wakes up and turns on her computer. As always, her computer it is being slow, which means from the minute she turns it on, to it being ready to operate can well take 20 to 30 minutes, making it an ordeal to even use it at all. She just sits there, stares at the screen and slurps her hot coffee.


She: (sits in front of her computer waiting for it to boot).

Id: (I want a new computer, one that works.)

Super Ego: (Fucking piece of shit.)


10:30 am

Her phone beeps. A message from her boyfriend telling her good night.


Super Ego: (If I would call him right now, he would understand what it feels like to be called right before going to sleep after a hard day of work, expecting a deep conversation.)

Ego: (I should wish him a good night.)

Super Ego: (And tell him how it felt like for you last night when he called you, and you were so tired, asking you all the superficial questions.)


She writes him a text wishing him a good night, telling him that he should think about what it would be like for him if she called him now, and tried to have a conversation minutes before he goes to sleep.


Id: (I’m hungry).


She gets up to roast one piece of bread. Spreads marmalade on it and returns to the desk to check her emails. She discovers a response to her job application.


Super Ego: (I know what this response is gonna say. It’s a letter of refusal.)

Id: (Open it... Open it!!!!)

Ego: (I hope this is a positive response.)


She opens the email and as it turns out that she got declined once again.


Super Ego: (I knew it. No one is gonna accept you without one. You don’t even have to apply anymore, it’s not gonna work out.)

Id: (I lost my appetite. I want to call someone.)

Super Ego: (You can’t call anyone. What is that gonna do for you.)

Ego: (A response is a response. It is worth a lot that they actually did reply. That means that they were interested in you.)

Super Ego: (No, they were just being decent and friendly. It means nothing)


Dolores ends up not calling anyone to maybe obtain some emotional support. Tears roll down her cheeks. And while her mind still deliberates over whether she is an idiot-a no one or not, she goes to work, greets her boss friendly while thinking ‘he is an idiot’, smiles at him while feeling like shit, puts on her uniform and lights the first cigarette of the day. Her life goes on, her day continues with rain and sun alternating each other by the minute, a conclusion is not found at the moment, and although she struggles with her inner demons and needs are not being fulfilled at that time, she will believe in the temporariness of the moment, look at it as a phase and not give up. Who knows, she might end up with the job of her dreams, a person who deserves her by her side, which is when her inner mind will finally feel gratified again.


I ♥ New York



City of Facades
Why do you put on a front
Show me your real face
New places new faces everyday
What do you stand for
What do you long for

City of facades
You are packed with false dreams
Of made up realities
Plastered with ads by the agencies
All to depict one dream

City of facades you are so fake
Make us imitate what others create

City of facades
Packed and crowded
Pidgins shouting
The lost
And lonely
Acting like a family
You confuse jealousy
With insecurity

City of Facades
I want to own you
I want to know you
I want to hear you
I want to love you
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