Conversation of a Person Within Ones Mind on a Vicissitudinous day in Mid-August

Dolores (She) consists of 3 components:

Ego (das Ich), female;

Super Ego (das Über Ich), 50% male/50%female;

Id (das Es), mostly female

Ego tries to balance the Id and Super Ego;

Super Ego is the ultimate decision maker the moral component; tries to blame the Id for everything and often makes it believe it is nothing;

Id is impulsive, child-like, seeks for ultimate gratification at any given time, not considering any consequences at all.

TUESDAY

Dolores is on the phone with her boyfriend who happens to be 3738 miles away, which equals 6015 kilometers, and puts them literal 6 hours apart. They have been on the phone for precisely 1:12 hrs. No one has said much, she just happens to be so tired from a 12 hour day of work.

Id: (I need a hug. I want you to lie next to me.)

Super Ego: (What the fuck. I don’t wanna talk right now. I’m tired. What am I supposed to tell you what you don’t already know. I can’t handle this situation anymore.)

Ego: (I wish I would have the right words to say, but I don’t. Why are you so far way. I miss you. I’m so fucking stupid. Why am I so frustrated?)

She: (says nothing, absolutely nothing)

Super Ego: (Man, I’m fucking tired and I just want to go to sleep.)

Id: (I think it is better if I get some rest now.)

Ego: (I want a cigarette right now.)

She: I think I am going to sleep now.

He: Ok, good night.

She: Night.

He: Love you.

She: Love you too. Bye.

He: Bye bye.

Super Ego: (What a stupid, nonsense, non-gratifying, non-conversation again. You are always failing at expressing your real feelings.)

Id: (I’m a failure.)

She turns off her bed light at exactly 2:56 to be woken up by her alarm at 9 am. Exact 30 minutes early so she can hit the snooze button three times. Even then, she is an hour early. But she needs some extra time in the morning for her coffee and breakfast that usually consists of two pieces of toasted bread, and of course some coffee (usually one or two cups). The coffee is also good to make her use the bathroom before she leaves the house.

WEDNESDAY

10:20 am

Dolores wakes up and turns on her computer. As always, her computer it is being slow, which means from the minute she turns it on, to it being ready to operate can well take 20 to 30 minutes, making it an ordeal to even use it at all. She just sits there, stares at the screen and slurps her hot coffee.

She: (sits in front of her computer waiting for it to boot).

Id: (I want a new computer, one that works.)

Super Ego: (Fucking piece of shit.)

10:30 am

Her phone beeps. A message from her boyfriend telling her good night.

Super Ego: (If I would call him right now, he would understand what it feels like to be called right before going to sleep after a hard day of work, expecting a deep conversation.)

Ego: (I should wish him a good night.)

Super Ego: (And tell him how it felt like for you last night when he called you, and you were so tired, asking you all the superficial questions.)

She writes him a text wishing him a good night, telling him that he should think about what it would be like for him if she called him now, and tried to have a conversation minutes before he goes to sleep.

Id: (I’m hungry).

She gets up to roast one piece of bread. Spreads marmalade on it and returns to the desk to check her emails. She discovers a response to her job application.

Super Ego: (I know what this response is gonna say. It’s a letter of refusal.)

Id: (Open it... Open it!!!!)

Ego: (I hope this is a positive response.)

She opens the email and as it turns out that she got declined once again.

Super Ego: (I knew it. No one is gonna accept you without one. You don’t even have to apply anymore, it’s not gonna work out.)

Id: (I lost my appetite. I want to call someone.)

Super Ego: (You can’t call anyone. What is that gonna do for you.)

Ego: (A response is a response. It is worth a lot that they actually did reply. That means that they were interested in you.)

Super Ego: (No, they were just being decent and friendly. It means nothing)

Dolores ends up not calling anyone to maybe obtain some emotional support. Tears roll down her cheeks. And while her mind still deliberates over whether she is an idiot-a no one or not, she goes to work, greets her boss friendly while thinking ‘he is an idiot’, smiles at him while feeling like shit, puts on her uniform and lights the first cigarette of the day. Her life goes on, her day continues with rain and sun alternating each other by the minute, a conclusion is not found at the moment, and although she struggles with her inner demons and needs are not being fulfilled at that time, she will believe in the temporariness of the moment, look at it as a phase and not give up. Who knows, she might end up with the job of her dreams, a person who deserves her by her side, which is when her inner mind will finally feel gratified again.

Caterpillar and Bird

Two Friends Learning How to Fly

A long time ago, there was a young bird couple living in a beautiful nest on a chestnut tee. The couple was in love and ready to have children. So they decided to build a bigger nest on a taller tree, to have space for the two babies to come. As young mother bird sat on top off the eggs, papa bird would leave to collect material for the new nest.

On an autumn day, the wind was howling and shaking around the twigs and branches making mama bird clinch her wings around the eggs. Mother bird had gotten worried when papa bird had wanted to leave for his daily quest. She had asked him to stay and told him it might be too dangerous that day. But papa bird was stubborn because he knew of the importance of finishing their new home. It was the night the baby birds were supposed to hatch. He told mother bird not to worry, and said he would be back before nightfall to pick up her and the eggs, so the babies could hatch comfortably. As soon as papa bird left, the wind had gotten more aggressive, and rain started pouring down the leaves leaving mother bird trembling and wet. Mother nature didn't mean well that day, and soon the storm came closer, and developed into a thunderstorm right above them. Right as she was trying to tell herself everything was going to be ok, lightning struck the tree she was on. The owl said they all died that night...

But that wasn’t the case for all of them. One of the baby birds survived. He had hatched on the floor, and lived in that very spot for sometime. Until one day a caterpillar crossed his way. Caterpillar asked bird to come join him on his journey. Bird was happy to have found a friend, and together they were striving through the forest. They helped each other find food, and kept each other warm on cold, cold nights. They told each other stories when the moon was covered by the clouds so they didn’t have to be scared of the darkness.

One day, after a day of wandering through the woods, bird had gotten tired, and asked caterpillar to rest and build their camp for the night. Caterpillar was way ahead of bird. He turned around at birds request, and noticed something in bird’s eyes he had never seen before. He knew something wasn’t right. Bird told him, that he didn’t want to have to hide anymore, and that living on the ground had taken a toll on him, because of the dangers they would find themselves in every night. He told caterpillar, that it would be better for them to look for something more permanent. Something high up in the trees possibly, so that they wouldn’t have to be worried about being eaten by the other animals that also lived in the forest. Caterpillar hesitated, because he took a liking on the exciting life style they have had. He liked the thrill of the night, making him proud that they could survive on the ground. However, he was tired himself and asked bird to follow him up the oak tree that was right ahead of them.

And there they were, enjoying the feeling of comfort living high up in the oak tree giving them the feeling of a new found home. On days caterpillar was tired, bird went down to bring up some food. Other days, bird was tired or just feeling like being lazy, and caterpillar did the same. On their search for food, they would always pass the owl, and casually talk to her.

Although, nothing seemed different that spring day, and it was a nice was a sunny day indeed, caterpillar was bothered by something. He told bird he would go out to find some food. And so he left thinking of what it could be that was bothering him. The owl could tell that caterpillar was in deep thoughts, and asked him what was going on. Caterpillar wasn’t sure, but said that he missed the exciting life on the ground, but also enjoyed life on the tree. He said he was getting too comfortable, and in a way he felt like he had gotten dependent on his friend bird. Owl responded that the dependency he was feeling did not have to be negative, and that he just needed to find a balance. But caterpillar didn’t know how to. Owl explained that it was important to do some things on one’s own sometimes, and that once they would do that, they could enjoy the comfort of their home even more. It is not bad to feel safe, owl added.

When caterpillar returned, he had a strange feeling accompanying him. He asked bird why he never tried to fly. Bird said he didn’t know how to, and also didn’t see the need for it. But caterpillar told him, that he thought it was important to try new things, and do them on their own. Bird didn’t understand why, and asked caterpillar instead, why he had not turned into a butterfly yet. Caterpillar said he didn’t know how to.

The next day, caterpillar woke up very early. He had trouble getting a good night rest, and told bird he was going to find some food again, although it had been bird’s turn that day. Bird was ok with letting him go, and enjoyed the day in the tree. Caterpillar was almost at the bottom, when he shouted up, that bird should practice flying in the meantime. But bird didn’t feel like it, and was lying on his back, staring into the clouds turning them into pictures of things he liked. He had a good day doing that, and when caterpillar returned, he just wanted to tell him what kind of shapes he had seen in the clouds. Caterpillar wasn’t really listening, but only felt disappointment for the fact that bird had refused to practice what he had told him to.

Weeks had passed, and their friendship started crumbling. They barely talked, and caterpillar turned into the provider who brought food every day. One day, he was so tired and mad at the fact that he was doing all the work that he yelled at bird, saying that he should have learnt how to fly. Bird said that he would, but he was just not ready yet. That angered caterpillar even more, and he turned around in such a rough manner, that his turn had hit bird on his back and almost pushed him off the tree. Bird was able to hold on to a branch with one wing, screaming for help. But caterpillar felt paralyzed. Unable to move, bird slipped and fell down to the ground, but right as he was about to hit, his wings stared flapping, and he could hold himself up a few seconds to catch his fall.

When he landed, and his first landing was rough, he looked up the tree. Caterpillar was still not moving, and because he was upset that caterpillar made him fall, he decided to leave him. Every day, from that day on he was flying. At first a few feet, then some yards and later on he was able to fly around all day. He had thought about caterpillars words, and wished he would have started flying earlier. He felt very comfortable in the air, and was able to move from tree to tree. Every tree he rested at was different, and he enjoyed the freshness of finding new places to go to every day.

Caterpillar had waited for birds return, but one day realized that it was not going to happen. He did not want to be reminiscent of his old friend, and the tree was a constant reminder of his loneliness. Driven by his voracious appetite, he walked and walked so far, eating everything he had found on his way. Until he had to slow down, because he had felt so full, that he became incapable of moving. Not knowing how many days he went along like that, he fell asleep. When he woke up the next day, his life had changed. He had finally turned into a butterfly, and just like bird, his first tries flying were clumsy, but soon he became stable and able to fly around like he had never done anything else.

He flew back to the oak tree he used to live in with bird. As he got to the top, he noticed a flower on the ground. Bird had liked flowers, and the view reminded him of his friend. With the memory of his old friend coming back, the feeling of guilt for the night their ways had parted, came up with it. Butterfly felt the need to escape, and started flying, with no sense of direction. Hey, shouted someone in the tree. It was owl. They had a chat, and butterfly told him how guilty he had felt about what had happened, and complained about how lonely he felt without bird. Owl had told him, that the dependency caterpillar had once complained about was not a dependency, but the need for a friend. Owl had told him to look for his old friend. But caterpillar was doubtful and did not know how bird could forgive him. Just ask for forgiveness, you are a butterfly now, and you have learnt from the past, responded owl.

A year later, owl had noticed two objects in the air. They were floating with such lightness that he was wondering what kind of birds they were. As the objects came closer, he realized it was butterfly and bird. They had found each other again. Hello, shouted owl. Butterfly and bird greeted friendly, and told owl about their new adventurous life. Yes, we like moving from place to place, and it is allot easier to do that in the air, said butterfly. There are too many risks on the ground added bird, and they both left happy to have found each other again. This time we will never part they said and left...

The owl said that one may never force someone to do something. He also said that one may never take a friendship for granted. And so, owl still lives in the same tree, waiting for friends to ask for advice...

Erasing Memory

A young couple, both in their early twenties, are struggling through adolescence for several reasons:
It's the years after college--reality hits;
they are chasing their dreams (but they have them, and that's the most important).
They are searching for their identities (as everyone does around that age, no one is really sure of who they are).
They have been in a relationship since their teens, and although they believe in true love, and in the fact that they can be together for the rest of their lives, they are getting sidetracked, leading them to feel unsure after a couple of years (but thats usually what people go through, they need to reconfirm that what they are doing and investing in is still right)... The author actually believes that people loose sight of what they already know by influences they cannot control, say friends, financial issues, or problems with the current job. But what the author thinks is minor, the characters are more significant.




So it is around that time of instability and doubts when he goes to a party. She often prefers to be home to read, rest, think, or write. She feels that when she goes out drinking, she wastes a whole day (which would be the day after when she feels hungover). Don't get her wrong, she likes to go out, but just not as frequently as her significant other. He, on the other hand needs to go out to let loose and forget about the stress of his day. He is a hard worker, and even when he goes out he often considers it networking events (but usually it is just getting together to party). So it is Friday, and on Fridays he goes out (on Saturdays and Wednesdays, too), that's just the way it's been lately. And all throughout his teens. He is a very social person, whereas she can be introverted. However, both meet in the middle and feed off of their current moods. Sometimes, when she would usually stay home, she decides to go out with him, and when he wants to go out he decides to stay in to enjoy some time with her. It works, that's how they create a kind of balance. Anyway, around that time, it wasn't much of a balance, and he goes to this party.

He drinks too much.
He meets an unimposing blond.
She is just there, and happens to offer herself to him.
He is amazed of that simpleness and does not really think about it. He has always been a rebel. At that point he just wants to see how far he could go. He didn't really think.
There it happened.
Poor blond plays innocent.
He takes her home and ends up in bed with her.

She finds out and a world falls apart. Everything she has believed in becomes invalid; at least that's what she feels at the moment.

She bursts into tears, needlessly to describe her voice when she says the following words, "You destroyed our innocence." Her words sounded so painful, that the neighbor above who witnessed her yelling almost felt bad (without knowing what is going on). After those words she falls down to the floor.

There they are. Situated on the floor, crawled up into a ball off two people, crying together. He is holding her, although she doesn't want him to. It feels like they have left their bodies for a moment and are watching themselves from the kitchen ceiling. Everything they do then is so cliche that it does feel like they are in a bad movie. A movie she never agreed to play a part in she later says.

Now, a couple either separates or moves on. Why did they want to move on? Because they felt like what they had was more than one stupid mistake. They want to survive, but moving on isn't as easy as they thought, the mistake seems to have a greater impact on them, and more influence then they would like to admit.

Sometimes things are easier said than done, and after a year of trying, the topic still comes up in certain situations, or even randomly makes its way up to the surface. The point is reached where they become unsure of their original decision--trying to overcome the bad.

It is a day like that when she walks around in the city. Christmas is coming up, and all the lights and decorations everywhere remind her of her childhood. Back when life was so innocent, she thought. Her walk is slow, and she is not really going anywhere in specific, she just needed some air, is what she told him. She is caught up in her thoughts and doesn't see the guy approaching her with full speed on a bike. When he is right beside her, she feels a jerk on her arm and realizes that bastard snatched her purse. She turns around, but he is gone. "Help" was all she could stumble out, and there she is running into the direction of where the thieve left. She wasn't prepared for such calamity. But after a couple of minutes of running as fast as her legs can carry her, she gives up. She breathes heavily; her thorax is moving up and down quickly. She turns down her head and lets her shoulders fall to catch her breath. She is devastated, when her sad eyes glimpse something interesting on the floor. She picks up a flyer.

Back home she explains her finding.
"It says there is a medical scientist in the city who experiments with erasing memory."
He thinks she is crazy. "Yes, experimenting is not knowing. What if it is dangerous?"
"It might be, but I am willing to take the risk." They keep on discussing and come to an agreement.

It is a beautiful day. Must have been about two months later. Their last night together was just as nice as the sun rays embracing their walk. They loved each other in a way they have never done before, on the verge of maybe not being able to see each other again, love can be so passionate. They are walking to the secret location of this doctor. It is a secret location because they are the first ones to do it, and they do not want the press to be all over them in case something goes wrong.

There they are, laying on the comfortable bed, similar to hospital beds. The room is completely white. But for the procedure the light is being turned off, and the room is being darkened. All they have now is their touch. They are holding each other's hand, and not knowing that they really are facing each other, because it is so dark, their faces are turned to each other. That's when they kiss; it's an intense kiss accompanied by these last words: "If we really are meant for each other, we will find each other again".

Off they go into deep hypnosis, or something thats comparable to it. And when they wake up from it, they will be in separate rooms, with a note in their hands telling them where they work, and what their names are, and that's all about that will be left. They will not know that they have once known each other. The future will tell whatever happens after that. No, this is not the story of Romeo and Juliet, is what the author thinks, it is a modern love story, but the authors thoughts are still very insignificant...